Dispatches on Hold-In their Place: An Old Clipping from the Honolulu Gazett

Doogan Plucked From Drink

The well-known ace reporter for the Hearst chain of newspapers is resting comfortably in the Royal Hawaiian Hospital today after being literally fished out of the Pacific by local boys fishing from an outrigger canoe.  It seems his trusty Remington Portable Typewriter had become entangled in their net.

"It all started as a joke," recalled the stunned newspaperman, "Hunnybunch and I had been out for a sight-seeing tour along the cliffs.  My new valet, Key Lock was hauling us in his rickshaw."

"Not that Key was a very good valet.  In fact he didn't do anything a valet is supposed to do.  But he's a good rickshaw runner.  He was a big strapping fellow and had the biggest thighs I've ever seen this side of a Brama bull.  That's what he did for a living before Hunnybunch started using him every day for trips around the island.  Next thing I knew he was living in our bungalow.  Hunnybunch said she'd hired him so he could be available full time."

"Anyway, during our picnic I had a snoot full and decided to take a nap in the rickshaw.  When I woke up Key Lock and Hunnybunch were pushing it backwards at a great rate, childish grins on their innocent faces.  I guess they didn't realize how close to the edge of the cliff we were.  The next thing I know I was free falling.  I reflexively grabbed for my trusty Remington just before I hit the water.  The next thing I knew I woke up here."

Local police inspector Charles Chan took up the story, "It appears that during the prank the heavy pounding of Mr. Key Lock's feet caused the collapse of the den of a family of wild boars.  Enraged the boars charged Mrs. Dugan and Mr. Key Lock as they peered over the cliff edge at the receding figure of Mr. Dugan.  They and the boars went over too.

A funeral service will be held on Saturday.  Roast boar will be served.